I found out recently that I'm bipolar.* That figures. It explains a LOT. I have more than one of everything else, too. I'm Mexican and Irish. I have two cats. I have two cars. (Four if you count my husband's - I don't.) I have several bicycles (husband's fault). I own a multi-family house. With two buildings on the lot. I have and upstairs and a downstairs. I have two main areas of expertise (massage therapy is the other one). My sexual preference is "human" so slap that "bisexual" label all over me. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, I have two men in my life. When the psychiatrist said, "I think you're bipolar," it was all I could do from rolling my eyes about it like a sixteen year old would respond to just about anything.
I have only one husband. I have only one person with whom I want to live. (Thankfully, those two people happen to be the same one.) But other than that, I have two of most things. I even have another blog! Perhaps it was my brain's coping mechanism - to always have a backup plan for when my brain shifted into another gear. So is it really that surprising that I'd end up with more than one love at once in my life? Or at times, a variety of people with whom I shared myself in an intimate way?
I've known a lot of people who dated more than one person, and even people who were married** to people and still had romantic and/or sexual relationships outside of marriage. The people who came right out and identified as such, in the eighties and even into the nineties were gay men. The kind of gay men who were so out of the closet they were in the kitchen, preparing FABulous dinnerparties. So they had more than one lover? Pass the pinot grigio, please. *yawn* They didn't make a big deal about it, so I didn't.
Have you met a couple who always seems to have a third adult around? Remember that old song from Sesame Street? "Who are the people in your neighborhood?" Have you met half of a couple with a person you did not expect to find them kissing or cuddling up with and felt awkward afterwards? I knew a whole houseful of people who were all cuddlebuddies, and quite a few of them had more than one partner in crime, as it were. It worked the best when people communicated well with each other, I observed. Communicating that sense of calm and peace about an ONMR (openly non monogamous relationship, as it's getting tedious to keep typing this) it is important when being publicly non-monogamous.
I have only one husband. I have only one person with whom I want to live. (Thankfully, those two people happen to be the same one.) But other than that, I have two of most things. I even have another blog! Perhaps it was my brain's coping mechanism - to always have a backup plan for when my brain shifted into another gear. So is it really that surprising that I'd end up with more than one love at once in my life? Or at times, a variety of people with whom I shared myself in an intimate way?
I've known a lot of people who dated more than one person, and even people who were married** to people and still had romantic and/or sexual relationships outside of marriage. The people who came right out and identified as such, in the eighties and even into the nineties were gay men. The kind of gay men who were so out of the closet they were in the kitchen, preparing FABulous dinnerparties. So they had more than one lover? Pass the pinot grigio, please. *yawn* They didn't make a big deal about it, so I didn't.
Have you met a couple who always seems to have a third adult around? Remember that old song from Sesame Street? "Who are the people in your neighborhood?" Have you met half of a couple with a person you did not expect to find them kissing or cuddling up with and felt awkward afterwards? I knew a whole houseful of people who were all cuddlebuddies, and quite a few of them had more than one partner in crime, as it were. It worked the best when people communicated well with each other, I observed. Communicating that sense of calm and peace about an ONMR (openly non monogamous relationship, as it's getting tedious to keep typing this) it is important when being publicly non-monogamous.
I remember being dressed to the nines at 3am in one of the local all-night places in my area, and running into one half of a married couple who seemed to be dressed for some non-monogamous activities (he looked dashing, which is a far cry from how he usually looks). He looked a little embarrassed until he noticed that I was with a man he knew well, and it was obvious that the two of us were really into each other. We greeted cordially, and after that Mr
Smith would see me and my beau around town and nod, with the barest hint of smile on his face about it. He's married and I don't know whether he was really stepping out on his wife or whether he had a situation like mine. But there was no fallout that I could see.
Another time, I remember being somewhere with a man I liked A Whole Lot. Someone who knew us both, and really liked my husband, too, came up and said, "So how's my friend [huband's name]?" with his hand on my shoulder, and a tone that sought clarity without quite saying WTF?!?! "He's completely fine, and at home having dinner with this one's wife," while still keeping my arm firmly around the guy I was seeing. He seem pacified. I stopped sweating nervously about an hour later. I was doing nothing wrong, but the assumption was the opposite, at first.
Discretion is the better part of valor, but if you're ever feeling awkward about discretion being swept aside inadvertently, just hold your head high and be gracious.
Dear Goddess,
I'm a 40-something woman (a mom, but the kids don't live with me) who has a husband and a boyfriend. My issue is that my husband expects me home in the morning when he works overnights. This is a bone of contention, because boyfriend lives an hour away, and after sex, I'm usually whooped! How can I work this out? Wendy from Attleboro, MA
Dear Wendy,
Yay for sex that wipes you out! Here's a suggestion. The next time you have hot, amazing, scrumptious sex with your husband, hopefully you'll be whooped. FALL ASLEEP and stay asleep. The next day, remind your husband that you just LOVED his sweet attention. Plant the seed while he's actively adoring you : "I fell so asleep so quickly afterwards... I slept so hard!"
On another day completely, when you and he are alone, ask him what bothers him about you being gone in the morning. Listen, and see if he's having potential abandonement issues. If you two usually do something together in that early morning hour, talk about how a small change once in a while is good to shake up routine. (it's why ONMRs work well for the libido!) Ask if this policy is absolutely non-negotiable. If he says yes, then ask if it can be reconsidered in six months. If he says no, get a therapist who doesn't see the boyfriend as a problem, because I'm of the opinion that marriage is a fluid - the people change, so of course the marriage will as well.
Is it possible that this is a control issue for your husband? He must know that if you are to safely navigate your way back home without risk of falling asleep at the wheel, then you must leave when you are still chipper - right when you'd be having your best sex. Cutting out the long dinner and conversation down to a sandwich from 7-11 you got on the Mass Pike is no fun. You might tell him that your visits to the other man feel rushed when you have to be home so early, and that you are very tired in morning traffic, with commuters and school buses, or late at night, when its dark out. Also, since you live in New England, ask him how he'd do driving home in 22F weather after begin drowsy. January is an issue in New England. It's colder between 11pm and 8am here.
Getting to the root of this issue will be finding out whether it's his issue with himself, you, or the situation. Listen for jealousy, but don't be surprised if it's more about the root of jealousy : some variant on insecurity. It could very well be to "keep up appearances". I knew one man who said his wife wanted his car to be home at night so that people wouldn't think he was "screwing around on his wife". Why it mattered was a mystery to me, but imagine my laugh after she reported that someone thought SHE was "stepping out" on HIM instead.
(drowsy drivers and their impact on overall safety is just now starting to be studied)
Sleeping together feels very intimate for some people, more so than having sex, for some. It requires a deeper level of trust. A vixen I knew who wouldn't think twice about inviting three or four people over to have a sex party with would NEVER actually SLEEP with any of them. "Honey, that's when I'm unconscious. Nobody gets to have that advantage over me." Find out if your husband is worried that you'll get used to sleeping somewhere else. Tell him explicitly and calmly, "sleeping with Mike does not make me love him any more. It just means I'm better rested when I drive home. You expect me home in one piece and I'm taking steps to make sure that happens."
No matter what he thinks, please be careful on the roads - especially when sleepy. Drowsy drivers and their impact on overall safety is just now starting to be studied. As someone who used to also "have to be home by...", I can tell you that life feels more reasonable not having to rush around to get home before hubby. But it took me swerving one night on a lonely road to give me the courage to renegotiate. Gool luck, and stay in touch if it gets better or worse.
That is all for today, special thanks to my laptop, for saving the day when my "real" computer crashed and burned for the evening.
Submit your question via email to goddess.maria@gmail.com
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Be well!
TheGoddessMaria
*Type 2. I'm on great medication that seems to be helping. I was not shocked. If you are having trouble getting your life done because you "can't" then I urge you to seek out the best professional help you can. Especially if you are procrastinating on the things you really feel like you want to do. (Like creating an online advice column blog. That you've wanted to do for years.)
** When I say "married" I mean in a committed long-term relationship. Whether there was a commitment ceremony or a state-sanctioning party involved or not.
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