I was watching The Sopranos on DVD with my intrepid personal assistant (*my brother), and we were still watching the first season. In this series, Tony Soprano, who is high in the ranks one of the of the New Jersey crime families in The Mafia, starts seeing a psychiatrist for the anxiety attacks he keeps having. The man has issues that are complex and scary - and that's just with his mother!

Several sessions into therapy Tony decides that he is in fact in love with his therapist, Dr Melfi. Tony's attractive, well dressed Doctor,* another "Paisan", is an example of yet another strong-willed, independent, Italian woman in Tony's life, but this woman refuses to take any garbage from him, and instead really listens to his concerns. Another character later on suggests that it is very easy to fall in love with a therapist because they listen.

Being listened to feels like an intimate act because it is an intimate act. There is a connection between listener and talker that cannot be denied. Talking about personal issues requires the same kind of trust that is usually reserved for friends, family, and The Family, for Tony Soprano. When he feels like he can open up to this Doctor, moreso than his wife, Tony confuses that intimacy with love.

I'm a massage therapist, and when I was teaching massage therapy, one of my students asked, in all earnestness, "Why do I sometimes feel like I want to kiss the nose or even peck a cheek of someone I'm massaging? I feel like people are so cute when I'm sitting there and massaging their faces!" I took that opportunity to explain about "transference" and "instant intimacy". Both are ideas or feelings that can be misused. Ever have someone touch you and you felt more connected to them? (you probably have and didn't see it then) That's instant intimacy. Ever hate someone because they look like your skeevy ex, or a hairdresser that gave you a bad 'do? That's transference. I have routinely been asked for my hand in marriage by men and women after a good massage. Touch can be seen as a path to instant intimacy, but real intimacy comes after years - it's anything but instant!

I have been asked to tell spouses to listen - really listen - without interrupting - to each other. That is my favorite way to foster true intimacy. Speak the truth, and receive the truth; both halves of that need to be drenched in kindness and respect. Look each other in the eye when speaking of important things, and make decisions with a firm, but nice handshake. Real intimacy is often felt more than seen in action. Take it easy out there in world of intimacy!


Dear Goddess Maria,

You were the one who did the demo for my friend Mary's party, and you had a lot of information. How can you talk about sex so openly? By the way, I loved seeing "your vagina". Thanks, Cindy in Waterbury, CT.

Hi Cindy,

(That party was off the hook - I'd love to see you and your friends again, so I'll be calling you to offer you an opportunity to have some free fun one night, and maybe earn $80 in free product, like Mary did!) And thank you for mentioning "my vagina"!

When I do my talking about products for the parties, and about anatomy, I speak in broad, general terms, to relate to everyone as much as possible. Since becoming educated in the adult-products world, I was sure I was the only one who ___________. You fill in the blank with anything. If it was non-Playboy material, and I liked it, I thought I was being a bit subversive by continuing to do it. Turns out I was just .... well, horny! Subversives can be boring in bed, too, I found out one day, in the most disappointing way. A very nice and sweet guy might be a dominating asshole to his woman in bed, per her request! But I digress a bit. (mmmm....)

I have never had a problem with speaking to large groups of people, except one time. Sociology class, senior year. I thought people were going to figure out that I liked girls, as well as guys. Big deal now, right? It was a bigger deal in 1989. To me, anyway.

I talk a lot about sex in general terms for parties, and while I draw upon some of my own experience, (mmmm, the Celebrator : http://bit.ly/aquicklook), I also draw upon others' stories and knowledge about sex from educators, including Goddesses and Adonises in my company.

The core to the answer is that I need to help educate. I feel an inner passion to reach as many people as possible to remind folks that sex is positive, sexuality is a river that is not the same from day to day, and that real intimacy is possible and indeed preferable.

Thank you to all for reading - I've gotten some feedback and will be pondering format changes for the next week or so. Stay tuned!

Love,
The Goddess Maria

* oh yeah, who sees a psychiatrist for an hour? Wait, I forgot, Tony's made of money...