University Cancels Sex Expert for Sexy Filmwork!

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Hotel Sex Hotness

[Writer's note: I wrote the Question of the Day in a hotel room, and it was raw, just for you! I've edited it a bit for clarity, and incorporated the "blogginess" into the answer. You're welcome!]

The question of the day was asked by a few friends of mine -- we're a group of ... hundreds of representatives for Athena's Home Novelties, and our business is my specialty - education and sales of adult products to help the world be a better place! (Really!!)

[Shout out to my Goddesses and Adonises - especially to my colleague Gina who won TEN THOUSAND dollars this weekend!]

WHY is hotel sex so alluring? What is the appeal??

**if you are family, you have now been warned that personal material is on the way**

I've had more hotel sex than the average bear. I've had more partners, in more hotels, and I can tell you it's always a thrill, even when it has been my husband of many, many years!

First, leaving stress behind is essential to any hotel stay, if there's any chance of sleep being had. That step alone is a good habit for fostering better intimacy, which leads to better sex for us all, no matter where we are. Not having to empty the kitty litter or look at the full recycle bin that needs to go out tonight, yes TONIGHT, and of course it's raining.... Breathe - relax, you're at the hotel now.... no dishes to wash, and no toilets to scrub.

Second, inhibitions can come down without familiar ears around. Sex between consenting adults is a positive thing, and, in my belief, should be a happy noise to hear, knowing you can be overheard can limit . In a hotel, anything that sounds consensual and fun is just background noise. Unless it's really hot. Last night I heard a lot of sex noises, and it was titillating and almost .... ok, it was frustrating. Or, it would have been if I had forgotten my bag of tricks... but that's a digression! During the daytime hours, I like to be a bit more vocally reserved. If you are into safe vocal restraint, this is a great time to practice it! On the flip side, hotels might not be the place to loudly play out that really dark Daddy fantasy you've decided to safely indulge in. Quietly, certainly... (Roleplay will be my next column!)

Being in a city that is far from home can foster a sense of adventure, too. If a person or people want to do something new in bed - whether it's anal sex for the first time, a threesome or moresome, or just a random hookup, it doesn't take place in a spot that is usually safe and comforting. If the experience is less than stellar, it doesn't disturb the vibes of the inner sanctum. In the case of the random hookup, a nice hotel is a FAR better place to realize there is no way you want them around you, and you can leave or ask them to leave. (Make no mistake, I'm talking about upscale hotels. Clean places with better security.)

Back to me. Knowing that there is, probably somewhere in this building, someone who meets enough criteria to be Mr or Ms Right Now, is tantalizing and scary all at once. With internet service, it can be astonishingly easy to find someone nearby who is willing to head over, meet for a drink in the bar or a coffee in the lobby, and then head up to one's room. Just going to the hotel bar or wandering around a hotel can open up opportunities to meet new people for all purposes!

And with that, I'm off to go find some trouble! ;-)

Please send questions and feedback to : goddess.maria@gmail.com with the subject line reading "Your blog" plus any topic you'd like to add : "your blog-roleplay", for instance. Thank you for interacting with the writer - she loves it!!!

Love,
TheGoddessMaria

My passion for educating with humor to nourish the soul dovetails perfectly with being a Goddess with Athena's Home Novelties. I was aware that I loved to teach, and that people loved learning from me. I know I love making people laugh, and have always had a little dream in the back of my head about being a standup comedian. If I'm more earnest and less funny when I'm writing here, it's because I want to be acurate and thorough.

Here's something I think will resonate with you, dear audience. Masturbation is a healthy habit, and I feel like learning one's body is the only way to let anyone else know what you like. I encourage parents to make sure that somebody tells their kids that it's ok to do this fun activity, as long as they are responsible with it. (privacy, discretion, and good hygiene before and after are crucial, after all) We can help another generation ease into their teen years, but what about us? The adults? I think with the lack of privacy that comes with any roomates (children or other adults), masturbation becomes one more thing to find time for, if we even think of it. When I travel, I always bring a couple of "extra friends" along. I always sleep alone, so I relish the extra time and privacy with my "travel tools". (I prefer euphemisms, but I am talking about the products that I sell at parties - "sex toys" is commonly used to describe them.)
More parents are finding time in the shower to relieve their sexual needs - together and alone. I sell more water-resistant lubricant when I mention that solo play is easier with silicone-based lubricant (Wet Platinum! yeah!). The "Sex in the Shower" handles by Sportsheets are great for couples and solo play as well, depending on who is using what for gratification. What I'm hoping to offer is another respite for the busy person who is remembering, "oh, right, I need to keep using my bits to keep them healthy!" And the rest of us who just want another variation. (By the way, I sell many waterproof vibrators, for a recommendation please contact me at goddess.maria@gmail.com with the subject line "waterproof")
Would you like to remain able to hold in your bladder as you age? The pubococcygeal muscles
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pubococcygeus_muscle) in our body need to be exercised just like all the muscles in our bodies. (I'm a licensed massage therapist, trust me, excercise.) Sneezing and coughing should not be able to make us release urine, but atrophied muscles will let it happen. Kegel excercises can help keep our muscles strong, but orgasms (and the activities that lead up to orgasms) work very nicely, too. Orgasms also release endorphins that make us feel good longer than the orgasm itself lasts. (that might sound incredible to those of us who have experienced the 45 minute orgasm....)

Please take time out for yourself, and masturbate! And feel really good about taking a healthy moment for yourself!

Love,
your Goddess


Dear Goddess,

I was blessed with a strong libido, and a partner with a strong libido. I've still only had weak, fluttering orgasms. (We're both women, if that makes a difference.) I have made myself have stronger orgasms, but only with a vibration, and she's not really into toys for herself, although she would not mind using something on me. Any tips on this? It's no crisis, but we'd like to make me pass out some nights instead of it always being her! Thanks! Cristy in San Jose, CA

Hi Cristy,

You may want to mix it up - it's great that you have a partner who is not intimidated by tools - and you definitely want to talk about this before you hit the bedroom to play. More external play beforehand - less about the clitoral stimulation and more about the whole vulval area (and the rest of you!!!) - could get your whole area aroused, making orgasm easier later on. Also, why stop at one, "weak, fluttering" orgasm? If you're not TOO sensitive afterwards, keep going!
You may want to try different techniques and different stimulators to see what works. Also, some positions work well - look up "grinding" and "scissors", which can definitely work for creating orgasmic friction. It doesn't have to be clinical - just if your partner hears you sigh like you love it, they can keep doing that for a while longer. Also, masturbate differently once in a while to see if you find something someone else can do for you. I suggest that you look at workshops to take around this, since you're in a great area to do that. (I love that area!) Good luck, Cristy!

Have a question? I have an answer! Goddess.maria@gmail.com is my address

Thank you for reading! Random thoughts posted at my Twitter page : www.twitter.com/thegoddessmaria

I was watching The Sopranos on DVD with my intrepid personal assistant (*my brother), and we were still watching the first season. In this series, Tony Soprano, who is high in the ranks one of the of the New Jersey crime families in The Mafia, starts seeing a psychiatrist for the anxiety attacks he keeps having. The man has issues that are complex and scary - and that's just with his mother!

Several sessions into therapy Tony decides that he is in fact in love with his therapist, Dr Melfi. Tony's attractive, well dressed Doctor,* another "Paisan", is an example of yet another strong-willed, independent, Italian woman in Tony's life, but this woman refuses to take any garbage from him, and instead really listens to his concerns. Another character later on suggests that it is very easy to fall in love with a therapist because they listen.

Being listened to feels like an intimate act because it is an intimate act. There is a connection between listener and talker that cannot be denied. Talking about personal issues requires the same kind of trust that is usually reserved for friends, family, and The Family, for Tony Soprano. When he feels like he can open up to this Doctor, moreso than his wife, Tony confuses that intimacy with love.

I'm a massage therapist, and when I was teaching massage therapy, one of my students asked, in all earnestness, "Why do I sometimes feel like I want to kiss the nose or even peck a cheek of someone I'm massaging? I feel like people are so cute when I'm sitting there and massaging their faces!" I took that opportunity to explain about "transference" and "instant intimacy". Both are ideas or feelings that can be misused. Ever have someone touch you and you felt more connected to them? (you probably have and didn't see it then) That's instant intimacy. Ever hate someone because they look like your skeevy ex, or a hairdresser that gave you a bad 'do? That's transference. I have routinely been asked for my hand in marriage by men and women after a good massage. Touch can be seen as a path to instant intimacy, but real intimacy comes after years - it's anything but instant!

I have been asked to tell spouses to listen - really listen - without interrupting - to each other. That is my favorite way to foster true intimacy. Speak the truth, and receive the truth; both halves of that need to be drenched in kindness and respect. Look each other in the eye when speaking of important things, and make decisions with a firm, but nice handshake. Real intimacy is often felt more than seen in action. Take it easy out there in world of intimacy!


Dear Goddess Maria,

You were the one who did the demo for my friend Mary's party, and you had a lot of information. How can you talk about sex so openly? By the way, I loved seeing "your vagina". Thanks, Cindy in Waterbury, CT.

Hi Cindy,

(That party was off the hook - I'd love to see you and your friends again, so I'll be calling you to offer you an opportunity to have some free fun one night, and maybe earn $80 in free product, like Mary did!) And thank you for mentioning "my vagina"!

When I do my talking about products for the parties, and about anatomy, I speak in broad, general terms, to relate to everyone as much as possible. Since becoming educated in the adult-products world, I was sure I was the only one who ___________. You fill in the blank with anything. If it was non-Playboy material, and I liked it, I thought I was being a bit subversive by continuing to do it. Turns out I was just .... well, horny! Subversives can be boring in bed, too, I found out one day, in the most disappointing way. A very nice and sweet guy might be a dominating asshole to his woman in bed, per her request! But I digress a bit. (mmmm....)

I have never had a problem with speaking to large groups of people, except one time. Sociology class, senior year. I thought people were going to figure out that I liked girls, as well as guys. Big deal now, right? It was a bigger deal in 1989. To me, anyway.

I talk a lot about sex in general terms for parties, and while I draw upon some of my own experience, (mmmm, the Celebrator : http://bit.ly/aquicklook), I also draw upon others' stories and knowledge about sex from educators, including Goddesses and Adonises in my company.

The core to the answer is that I need to help educate. I feel an inner passion to reach as many people as possible to remind folks that sex is positive, sexuality is a river that is not the same from day to day, and that real intimacy is possible and indeed preferable.

Thank you to all for reading - I've gotten some feedback and will be pondering format changes for the next week or so. Stay tuned!

Love,
The Goddess Maria

* oh yeah, who sees a psychiatrist for an hour? Wait, I forgot, Tony's made of money...

Polarity, Clarity, Experience, and Expectations.

I found out recently that I'm bipolar.* That figures. It explains a LOT. I have more than one of everything else, too. I'm Mexican and Irish. I have two cats. I have two cars. (Four if you count my husband's - I don't.) I have several bicycles (husband's fault). I own a multi-family house. With two buildings on the lot. I have and upstairs and a downstairs. I have two main areas of expertise (massage therapy is the other one). My sexual preference is "human" so slap that "bisexual" label all over me. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, I have two men in my life. When the psychiatrist said, "I think you're bipolar," it was all I could do from rolling my eyes about it like a sixteen year old would respond to just about anything.

I have only one husband. I have only one person with whom I want to live. (Thankfully, those two people happen to be the same one.) But other than that, I have two of most things. I even have another blog! Perhaps it was my brain's coping mechanism - to always have a backup plan for when my brain shifted into another gear. So is it really that surprising that I'd end up with more than one love at once in my life? Or at times, a variety of people with whom I shared myself in an intimate way?

I've known a lot of people who dated more than one person, and even people who were married** to people and still had romantic and/or sexual relationships outside of marriage. The people who came right out and identified as such, in the eighties and even into the nineties were gay men. The kind of gay men who were so out of the closet they were in the kitchen, preparing FABulous dinnerparties. So they had more than one lover? Pass the pinot grigio, please. *yawn* They didn't make a big deal about it, so I didn't.

Have you met a couple who always seems to have a third adult around? Remember that old song from Sesame Street? "Who are the people in your neighborhood?" Have you met half of a couple with a person you did not expect to find them kissing or cuddling up with and felt awkward afterwards? I knew a whole houseful of people who were all cuddlebuddies, and quite a few of them had more than one partner in crime, as it were. It worked the best when people communicated well with each other, I observed. Communicating that sense of calm and peace about an ONMR (openly non monogamous relationship, as it's getting tedious to keep typing this) it is important when being publicly non-monogamous.

I remember being dressed to the nines at 3am in one of the local all-night places in my area, and running into one half of a married couple who seemed to be dressed for some non-monogamous activities (he looked dashing, which is a far cry from how he usually looks). He looked a little embarrassed until he noticed that I was with a man he knew well, and it was obvious that the two of us were really into each other. We greeted cordially, and after that Mr

Smith would see me and my beau around town and nod, with the barest hint of smile on his face about it. He's married and I don't know whether he was really stepping out on his wife or whether he had a situation like mine. But there was no fallout that I could see.

Another time, I remember being somewhere with a man I liked A Whole Lot. Someone who knew us both, and really liked my husband, too, came up and said, "So how's my friend [huband's name]?" with his hand on my shoulder, and a tone that sought clarity without quite saying WTF?!?! "He's completely fine, and at home having dinner with this one's wife," while still keeping my arm firmly around the guy I was seeing. He seem pacified. I stopped sweating nervously about an hour later. I was doing nothing wrong, but the assumption was the opposite, at first.

Discretion is the better part of valor, but if you're ever feeling awkward about discretion being swept aside inadvertently, just hold your head high and be gracious.

Dear Goddess,

I'm a 40-something woman (a mom, but the kids don't live with me) who has a husband and a boyfriend. My issue is that my husband expects me home in the morning when he works overnights. This is a bone of contention, because boyfriend lives an hour away, and after sex, I'm usually whooped! How can I work this out? Wendy from Attleboro, MA

Dear Wendy,

Yay for sex that wipes you out! Here's a suggestion. The next time you have hot, amazing, scrumptious sex with your husband, hopefully you'll be whooped. FALL ASLEEP and stay asleep. The next day, remind your husband that you just LOVED his sweet attention. Plant the seed while he's actively adoring you : "I fell so asleep so quickly afterwards... I slept so hard!"

On another day completely, when you and he are alone, ask him what bothers him about you being gone in the morning. Listen, and see if he's having potential abandonement issues. If you two usually do something together in that early morning hour, talk about how a small change once in a while is good to shake up routine. (it's why ONMRs work well for the libido!) Ask if this policy is absolutely non-negotiable. If he says yes, then ask if it can be reconsidered in six months. If he says no, get a therapist who doesn't see the boyfriend as a problem, because I'm of the opinion that marriage is a fluid - the people change, so of course the marriage will as well.

Is it possible that this is a control issue for your husband? He must know that if you are to safely navigate your way back home without risk of falling asleep at the wheel, then you must leave when you are still chipper - right when you'd be having your best sex. Cutting out the long dinner and conversation down to a sandwich from 7-11 you got on the Mass Pike is no fun. You might tell him that your visits to the other man feel rushed when you have to be home so early, and that you are very tired in morning traffic, with commuters and school buses, or late at night, when its dark out. Also, since you live in New England, ask him how he'd do driving home in 22F weather after begin drowsy. January is an issue in New England. It's colder between 11pm and 8am here.

Getting to the root of this issue will be finding out whether it's his issue with himself, you, or the situation. Listen for jealousy, but don't be surprised if it's more about the root of jealousy : some variant on insecurity. It could very well be to "keep up appearances". I knew one man who said his wife wanted his car to be home at night so that people wouldn't think he was "screwing around on his wife". Why it mattered was a mystery to me, but imagine my laugh after she reported that someone thought SHE was "stepping out" on HIM instead.

(drowsy drivers and their impact on overall safety is just now starting to be studied)

Sleeping together feels very intimate for some people, more so than having sex, for some. It requires a deeper level of trust. A vixen I knew who wouldn't think twice about inviting three or four people over to have a sex party with would NEVER actually SLEEP with any of them. "Honey, that's when I'm unconscious. Nobody gets to have that advantage over me." Find out if your husband is worried that you'll get used to sleeping somewhere else. Tell him explicitly and calmly, "sleeping with Mike does not make me love him any more. It just means I'm better rested when I drive home. You expect me home in one piece and I'm taking steps to make sure that happens."

No matter what he thinks, please be careful on the roads - especially when sleepy. Drowsy drivers and their impact on overall safety is just now starting to be studied. As someone who used to also "have to be home by...", I can tell you that life feels more reasonable not having to rush around to get home before hubby. But it took me swerving one night on a lonely road to give me the courage to renegotiate. Gool luck, and stay in touch if it gets better or worse.

That is all for today, special thanks to my laptop, for saving the day when my "real" computer crashed and burned for the evening.

Submit your question via email to goddess.maria@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter for my random thoughts throughout the day!

Be well!

TheGoddessMaria

*Type 2. I'm on great medication that seems to be helping. I was not shocked. If you are having trouble getting your life done because you "can't" then I urge you to seek out the best professional help you can. Especially if you are procrastinating on the things you really feel like you want to do. (Like creating an online advice column blog. That you've wanted to do for years.)

** When I say "married" I mean in a committed long-term relationship. Whether there was a commitment ceremony or a state-sanctioning party involved or not.

Introduction and Letter One!

First, a tiny bit of recent backstory....

For years, I thought I was some kind of unicorn. I don't see a lot of consensual non-monogamy in our culture - not openly. When I started talking about my unconventional lifestyle more openly, I got a lot of surprising comments. Overwhelmingly, people were nice about it and were just very curious. Sometimes people would volunteer information about themselves or other family members or friends who were also openly non-monogamous situations. I mentioned my non-monogamous marriage in a Facebook status update, and my mother mentioned that my father would probably see this, and asked if that was ok. My response was to thank her, and say that it was fine. I commented, “we’re not doing anything wrong.” She commented further, "Well it's certainly worked for you very well." Yay! Ringing endorsement from Mom! My mother and my father are not disowning me, so it is time to come out to help others!

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Welcome! My passion and purpose is to educate about sex, sexuality, intimacy and open relationships through my blog column!

This is my first real post since recycling my old blog to become my online advice blog column.

Who: I'm Maria, aka TheGoddessMaria, and sometimes Sunflower, and I am here for you.

What: I answer those "I didn't know who else I could ask without feeling judged or getting misinformation.

Where: I am committed to answering questions in an online format, three days a week.

How: You may contact me by email, text, here in the comments, or by Twitter. Discretion is assured.

Why: I am committed to your intimate life being amazing, so you will be happier!

My credentials:

Having lived a wild life, I've still managed to do some amazing training so that I may serve a broad population. I'm a massage therapist, I've taught science and massage courses, and I have worked at a full service spa for 11 years, while maintaining a small practice of my own for 13 years. I am a holistic health counselor certified at the Institute for

Integrative Nutrition in Manhattan, NY. I volunteered for Planned Parenthood for several years at a local facility serving the needs of people whose lives are affected by HIV and/or AIDS, where I learned about a variety of safer sex practices. I am the proprietor of Athena's by Maria, and I do "those" parties. In my capacity as a Goddess (for that is what we are as

distributors of Athena's Home Novelties) I have learned so much more about sex than I ever thought possible, and I have had a lot of sex! With a lot of people! (how often do you hear anyone admitting that out loud?) Through Athena's, I've participated

in exciting workshops with articulate speakers like Jack Canfield, Sheri Winston and Tristan Taormino. I've also completed the amazing week-long program, Become An Inspiring Speaker", with Marcia Wieder and several other heavy hitters in the professional speaking world (Jim Pelley, Patricia Fripp, Sam Horn, and Arthur Samuel Joseph.... what an incredible

experience!) I've also been an advice column junkie for years, and read many, many books on sexuality some by the columnists I love - like Ask Isadora, whom I adore, and Dan Savage whom I respect greatly.

I'm here for you. I'm your go-to girl when you have questions about sex, sexuality, relationships, intimacy matters, and especially about open relationsips. I never use letters verbatim, in case the letter is save in an email or on a hard-drive. I will make up the names if you use any, but not the locations, so if it looks like your question and it's from the right place then you might want to read even more closely.

My first letter addresses a very, very common issue. Remember to check back on Friday and Monday for more!

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Dear Goddess,

I'm a 24 year old man, engaged to be married to a 23 year old woman. In the last year I've noticed that my fiancee is not getting as wet as she used to when we were first having sex. She used to be almost too wet! Now, even when she says she's in the mood, she's just not that wet. We have sex three times a week. We talked about it and she said it's normal to stop getting as wet. Is this true or is she sick of me? -- Gary in Providence, Rhode Island

Dear Gary,

If she's sick of you, what a nice way of expressing it by having sex with you! Three times a week ? I wouldn't worry yet, Gary, because there are a few situations in which the body DOES produce lubrication in the vaginal cavity, and conversely, there are several reasons why the body will NOT lubricate as efficiently, effectively, or as effusively. Lubrication comes easily with NRE (New! Relationship! Energy!), and youth. Also, some situations that are very thrilling or scary will cause the vagina to secrete lubricant as well. In the book "Sperm Wars" (a real book!) the author discusses the very real phenomena of 1) ovaries releasing eggs and 2) vaginal lubrication in response to unexpected sexual encounters (consensual and non-consensual). The increase in lubrication is to protect the vaginal cavity. Once a nice, safe, cozy feeling of regularity and everydayness sets in, the danger factor goes away - the female's body knows you won't hurt her so there's less impetus to lubricate. If this is exactly as you are reporting, I would wager that this is the issue. Here are all the reasons I can think of in 30 seconds why lubrication can be less when we actively want MORE!

-menopause

-all allergy medication

-any sinus medication

-some antidepressants

-lack of sleep

-alcohol consumption

-marijuana consumption

-general dehydration

-fatigue

-discomfort

-general worry

-fear of getting pregnant

-condoms! how unfair is that?!

-friction

What to do?? Talk to your fiancee. "Honey, I wrote to an online sex advice columnist and she recommended Wet Light as a perfect starter lube for us!" If you do this with the product in your hand, with nobody home, wayyy before you are even thinking of going to bed, it should be funny for her. Try to really ham it up, and then present her a bouquet of six flavored and specialty lubricants. Wet Light is certified as a medical accessory, so I can guarantee you that all products made by Trigg Laboratories are very safe for the body. Warming, tingling, super slippery - I recommend that women and men try a variety of lubricants on themselves to get that valuable first-hand experience. Try a tiny bit first. Put a dab on a cotton swab and try it on the inside of your own mouth. I think that it's funny to try our products out together, but if you can

each find two or three lubes you like the feel of, then there should be some overlap, and that will help you find the perfect product to use together. Less friction = more feeling for you both! For condom users, be sure to put just a drop in the inside of the condom before rolling it down. That will increase sensitivity and help prevent breakage. Just a drop, though. We don't want those bad boys to slip off! By the way, if you have sex in the shower or if you like anal sex, be sure to get some Wet Platinum, which is a silicone based lubricant. Enjoy the testing process, Gary!

(want a coupon for your order? email me at goddess.maria@gmail.com)

Submit your questions by email with the subject QIAH to goddess.maria@gmail.com,

and thank you for reading!

Love,

The Goddess Maria